Hey everybody. I just revised the poem we workshopped last night becuase I was left with TONS of ideas and I figured I'd post it on here. Anyone that has any comments please let me know. I love feedback. It's more allusive now so may take a bit more googling but I got into my rewriting frenzy when I found out a group of sheep isn't only known as a flock, but also a "mob." No pressure to read or comment but I figured I might as well put it up. Thanks for all the comments in class. P.S. Hallelujah means "Praise God." I looked it up to be sure.
Hallelujah
“It is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.”
-Oscar Wilde
The most spectacular politician
is he who we call God.
His slogan:“I work in mysterious ways”
explains every flaw,
and when logic rears its ugly head
it’s all trumped by faith.
Blindness is rewarded
and that devil known as thought
meets harsh reprimand.
In our very first instance
we were punished
for seeking ideas in apple form.
And perhaps Adam thought of God’s rib:
“It is better to live outside the Garden
with her than inside it without her.”
But first love aside the ever wise leader
cast out his first constituents.
History tells us the Romans
adored Augustus and
Napoleon was the pride of France.
Loved by all, from the senators and aristocrats
to the eyeless beggars and toothless whores.
Two mighty shepherds leading less than
inquisitive mobs.
From the start our own wise
and omnipotent emperor
wanted us as his livestock,
simply there to shout “Hallelujah!”
Told how to think and how to feel
never leaving our dark coal mines
to head towards the light.
So, like miners, mankind digs forward
proud that they can’t see ahead,
and no one seems to notice
that the canary is long dead.
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Mike. this revision is great. This is exactly where this poem wants to be. Your poem really makes it point. I like the new stuff that you added. You really painted me a picture and it reinforces your message ten-fold. congratulations
ReplyDeleteThis draft is solid. The Augustus and Napoleon incorporation really strengthens your point and it was a great allusion to chose. Also, good work with the word play of "mob," that tidbit really strengthened the stanza.
ReplyDeleteIt was smart of you to put that mention of the coal mines in the second to last stanza because it really makes the final stanza pop even more so then it did in the first draft. The small mention justifies the ending and the decision only helped an already magnificently strong stanza.
Now that I have sung your praises, I have a bit of advice, which I know you like so I don't feel bad about it. I think the second stanza still isn't at the same level as the rest of the poem. The allusion and purpose of the poem is so strong, and that stanza is lacking. There is a lot you can work with in Genesis and I think that the stanza has the potential to be the strongest part of the poem; but you just haven't hit it yet.
Great draft and I look forward to reading a third if you choose to write one!! Also, I'm glad you kept the title.